Trust where are you??

Why is it that doing the right thing is so complicated and so d&$% annoying. Sometimes I get so tired of doing the right thing and following all the rules that I just want to give up completely. Then I remember what happens when all the rules are thrown out the window. Simply doing your job every day is one of the hardest things in the universe. The hardest tasks are not the amazing ones; it is the simple task of living your life everyday in obedience to God and in accordance with his will. That is what is hard. And sometimes is gets so tiresome and feels so unless. I just want to give up.

But giving up is not the answer although it is easier, less work, more fun and causes much less pain (in the near future). But it is so hard to see the future and to know that the pain now will pay dividends in the end. It is hard to believe that the hard times now will bring something better and not something worse. Waiting is a B&@#.

I am waiting for something so great and so amazing that it has to be worth it. I am waiting for something so amazing that yet so attainable in other ways. There are so many short cuts to get what I am waiting for it is not funny but it is not TRUE!!!! I want the real thing and the only way I am going to get the real thing is if I wait on God and he gives it to me in the proper time.

But sometimes I want to take this waiting game into my own hands and play my own way. However I should know by know that my hands are not skilled enough and never will be to play the game right. I need someone with an eternal view of the game. Someone who controls everything in existence to move the pieces for me. I hate it……why do I hate it. I should be completely at ease that someone who loves me is playing for me with my best interest in mind. It is so hard to realize this. I want to have faith, I want to understand and believe but it is so hard. I want what I want and I do not want to trust in someone else to give it to me. But I know what if I wait it will be so much sweeter and will last a life time.

Giving over my plans and desire to God is one of the hardest things I have to do. I do not think I have ever been sure that I trust him enough to give him my plans I have always wanted to keep a hand in them to make sure they turned out the right way. My nature of leadership and control is killing me. But why do I know trust God enough to do it for me? I do not know? Maybe I do now know him well enough; maybe I have not let him speak to me.

God I want to trust you enough to give you my plans, I want to love you enough to fall into your arms and want to more, I want to walk by your side everyday for the rest of my life.